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Quieting my mind so I can sleep..
Jun. 2nd, 2005 02:53 am"Every night I dream you love me, and every morning I'm alone." -Katchoo, from Strangers In Paradise by Terry Moore.
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Melancholy night. Maybe it's the tired in my bones, maybe it's the fact that I really haven't been home for any satisfactory length of time in nearly 2 weeks.. but now that I am finally home, sleeping in my own bed.. I'm hit with a rushing in of all the emotion I've stored up and not written about, all the immensity that hit me square in the face last night at Hartford Stage.
Went to see Cat On A Hot Tin Roof with my mother.. mind you, I'd not yet read the play or seen any of the film versions, so I went in cold. And it was good. Excellent performances, and the play got to me. It also hurt. A lot. Took some doing to not cry after the second act, and that was because I knew it would embarrass my mother. I was sort of numb after the third act. Something triggered in me, a memory of being pushed away when I would go to hug the man I thought I would call husband, a reminder of just how deep in our own worlds we are always trapped, dreams we hang onto stubbornly even after watching them get stepped on time and time again, missing someone I can no longer talk to, years of feeling somehow not good enough, all of it welling up in me like a giant sob, then stuffed back down into the well I store all of that in, as it was not an appropriate moment to be visibly upset. We all hold little wells of sorrows. Thankfully, mine no longer overwhelm me the way they once used to, but they certainly knock hard on my inner doors every so often, just to let me know they're still there. I love the effect theatre has on me, I just wish it wasn't always so inconvenient to be deeply moved.
Went out to Denny's for eggs and hashbrowns and talked for an hour or two before going home. I made us peach bellinis, we watched a few episodes of the Twilight Zone and I spent a half hour in the hot tub before crashing. I should have followed my instincts and written a while before I went to sleep. Now it's all sort of subsumed into a big deep ache in my chest and an urge to weep for no good reason.
Memorial Day was nice. After a weekend of recitals, I was exhausted. Went to Six Flags for a little while.. went on a few rides, got my season pass card (thank you J&A) and went down to see my family for a little while. Joe and Laura were coming by, and when we got there, Chris had also come over, and a bunch of Morgan's friends were there.. good to be in one of the few places I truly call home, with people I love. I was so glad J&A were able to hang out, even if it was a short visit... it still meant a lot to me.
Got up and took the car in to be examined this morning.. and she's fine. They cleaned out my air intake, and went over her with a fine-tooth comb. The only explanation we can figure for the smell of antifreeze, which has since gone away, was that the overflow tank may have filled while I was stuck in traffic, and spilled over a little, causing the smell. Head gasket's fine, as is the thermostat. She hasn't overheated again since this past Friday, so I'll just continue to drive carefully and keep an eye on her. *massive weight lifted*
Hung out a little with my sister and Amanda this afternoon before coming up to feed the birds and change for work. It's been really good to see my family when I've been down for the recitals. Sometimes we don't realise how much we've missed someone until we see them again. Got to try and make time for a long conversation with my dad very soon. I've been missing that recently, I think.
Tonight's shift went fine, and a few of us went out for some dinner.. it was a busy night, and with the shopping we needed to do, neither of us in the FE booth had eaten dinner. It was really good to go out and catch up. Came home and put stuff away, and now I'm sitting here trying to empty my head so I can rest. My body is very tired, but my mind is whirring and spinning everywhere.
Tomorrow, I post eBay stuff, errand about in Noho, then head to VT for a short evening shift. I work Friday morning, then head to CT for my cousin Derek's wedding, hang out a bit, then come home. Early Saturday morning I'll be at Bonnie's recital, which lasts all day, then back up to Easthampton for the party. Then next week is to be spent sleeping. :)
There's a lot more in here to let out, but I'll spare you further online ranting and attempt some variety of sleep.
Later.
-Me.
-----------------------------------------
Melancholy night. Maybe it's the tired in my bones, maybe it's the fact that I really haven't been home for any satisfactory length of time in nearly 2 weeks.. but now that I am finally home, sleeping in my own bed.. I'm hit with a rushing in of all the emotion I've stored up and not written about, all the immensity that hit me square in the face last night at Hartford Stage.
Went to see Cat On A Hot Tin Roof with my mother.. mind you, I'd not yet read the play or seen any of the film versions, so I went in cold. And it was good. Excellent performances, and the play got to me. It also hurt. A lot. Took some doing to not cry after the second act, and that was because I knew it would embarrass my mother. I was sort of numb after the third act. Something triggered in me, a memory of being pushed away when I would go to hug the man I thought I would call husband, a reminder of just how deep in our own worlds we are always trapped, dreams we hang onto stubbornly even after watching them get stepped on time and time again, missing someone I can no longer talk to, years of feeling somehow not good enough, all of it welling up in me like a giant sob, then stuffed back down into the well I store all of that in, as it was not an appropriate moment to be visibly upset. We all hold little wells of sorrows. Thankfully, mine no longer overwhelm me the way they once used to, but they certainly knock hard on my inner doors every so often, just to let me know they're still there. I love the effect theatre has on me, I just wish it wasn't always so inconvenient to be deeply moved.
Went out to Denny's for eggs and hashbrowns and talked for an hour or two before going home. I made us peach bellinis, we watched a few episodes of the Twilight Zone and I spent a half hour in the hot tub before crashing. I should have followed my instincts and written a while before I went to sleep. Now it's all sort of subsumed into a big deep ache in my chest and an urge to weep for no good reason.
Memorial Day was nice. After a weekend of recitals, I was exhausted. Went to Six Flags for a little while.. went on a few rides, got my season pass card (thank you J&A) and went down to see my family for a little while. Joe and Laura were coming by, and when we got there, Chris had also come over, and a bunch of Morgan's friends were there.. good to be in one of the few places I truly call home, with people I love. I was so glad J&A were able to hang out, even if it was a short visit... it still meant a lot to me.
Got up and took the car in to be examined this morning.. and she's fine. They cleaned out my air intake, and went over her with a fine-tooth comb. The only explanation we can figure for the smell of antifreeze, which has since gone away, was that the overflow tank may have filled while I was stuck in traffic, and spilled over a little, causing the smell. Head gasket's fine, as is the thermostat. She hasn't overheated again since this past Friday, so I'll just continue to drive carefully and keep an eye on her. *massive weight lifted*
Hung out a little with my sister and Amanda this afternoon before coming up to feed the birds and change for work. It's been really good to see my family when I've been down for the recitals. Sometimes we don't realise how much we've missed someone until we see them again. Got to try and make time for a long conversation with my dad very soon. I've been missing that recently, I think.
Tonight's shift went fine, and a few of us went out for some dinner.. it was a busy night, and with the shopping we needed to do, neither of us in the FE booth had eaten dinner. It was really good to go out and catch up. Came home and put stuff away, and now I'm sitting here trying to empty my head so I can rest. My body is very tired, but my mind is whirring and spinning everywhere.
Tomorrow, I post eBay stuff, errand about in Noho, then head to VT for a short evening shift. I work Friday morning, then head to CT for my cousin Derek's wedding, hang out a bit, then come home. Early Saturday morning I'll be at Bonnie's recital, which lasts all day, then back up to Easthampton for the party. Then next week is to be spent sleeping. :)
There's a lot more in here to let out, but I'll spare you further online ranting and attempt some variety of sleep.
Later.
-Me.
