On my way into the arms of sleep..
May. 3rd, 2005 03:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
artemis42Just as soon as this stick of incense is finished burning, I head for sleep. Got more posting done tonight, and a few items even sold. Yay!
I give myself plenty of credit for only losing my control and bursting into tears a few times this past weekend. Going to the calling hours on Saturday went as well as could be expected, maybe even a little better for the supportive presence of J. The only thing that really smacked me in the face later was a deep welling up of grief for this entire family that I was once a welcome part of, now lost to me except for the occasional "hi, yes, I'm still alive and well." check-in. Not the same as death-grieving, but in this case just as painful. 4 years of my life spent loving and being welcome among them, and now I'm stuck behind the ex-girlfriend wall. Trapped in silence. It hurts, on a level well below conscious pain, sort of like a dull throbbing ache that never quite goes away.
I don't get the cultural undercurrent that tells us we should discard our loved ones like old socks when things don't work out. It makes no sense to me. Through all the turmoil and strangeness I've been part of, I've always tried my best to be there for the long haul. Boundaries may change, but the core loving friendship you have should always be there in some form.. and when that's possible, I want to follow through on it.
Got about 20 pages of writing done before I crashed last night.. really helpful to pour out some of what was festering in my chest.
This week will be full, but thankfully not as crazed as the end of this month will prove to be, what with the dance recitals and all. I work tomorrow, then go help J&A with wedding stuff, possibly grade some more comics on Wed. before work, then clean this place and watch Utena with friends on Thursday.
Sleep now, that I may be awake tomorrow.. mostly.
Later.
-Me.
----------------------------------------------
The morning wind spreads its fresh smell,
We must get up and take that in,
that wind that lets us live.
Breathe before it's gone.
-Rumi
I give myself plenty of credit for only losing my control and bursting into tears a few times this past weekend. Going to the calling hours on Saturday went as well as could be expected, maybe even a little better for the supportive presence of J. The only thing that really smacked me in the face later was a deep welling up of grief for this entire family that I was once a welcome part of, now lost to me except for the occasional "hi, yes, I'm still alive and well." check-in. Not the same as death-grieving, but in this case just as painful. 4 years of my life spent loving and being welcome among them, and now I'm stuck behind the ex-girlfriend wall. Trapped in silence. It hurts, on a level well below conscious pain, sort of like a dull throbbing ache that never quite goes away.
I don't get the cultural undercurrent that tells us we should discard our loved ones like old socks when things don't work out. It makes no sense to me. Through all the turmoil and strangeness I've been part of, I've always tried my best to be there for the long haul. Boundaries may change, but the core loving friendship you have should always be there in some form.. and when that's possible, I want to follow through on it.
Got about 20 pages of writing done before I crashed last night.. really helpful to pour out some of what was festering in my chest.
This week will be full, but thankfully not as crazed as the end of this month will prove to be, what with the dance recitals and all. I work tomorrow, then go help J&A with wedding stuff, possibly grade some more comics on Wed. before work, then clean this place and watch Utena with friends on Thursday.
Sleep now, that I may be awake tomorrow.. mostly.
Later.
-Me.
----------------------------------------------
The morning wind spreads its fresh smell,
We must get up and take that in,
that wind that lets us live.
Breathe before it's gone.
-Rumi
