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Rambling in the haze and mists..
Aug. 15th, 2005 12:57 pmI get tiny glimpses occasionally of just how fragile our fluctuating emotional states are. Something as simple as a pleasant conversation and a backrub can work wonders.
Taking responsiblity for the fact that I craft reality consciously and unconsciously around myself continuously, I realise that I don't always make it easy for myself. It's a human thing, occasionally clinging to a helplessness we invent for ourselves. It's easier than being proactive. Just as it's easier to believe that something I do does not affect the others around me directly... were I to hold onto the knowledge that we are all interconnected with each other, that what I do and think and say inwardly is manifested outside myself and connects directly to everyone I encounter... how much would that eliminate my ability to be selfish, or mean, or angry? I can enable my own dreams and manifest the reality I know to be true by continuing to strive for compassion and loving-kindness within every breath, every interaction, every glance.
Spent a very pleasant evening in Dummerston last night chilling with Sage and some friends. Watched a new Henry Rollins spoken word DVD I'd rented, and crashed there instead of driving home. Started the audiobook I'd also rented on the way back to the house this morning.. I'd forgotten how nice it is to listen to a book. :)
My weekend was both wonderful and awful, as things tend to be with me of late. Got home late on Friday night to find Dad and Raph playing chess by the fire in the backyard.. took him home, talked with Dad a while and conked out. Got up a bit early on Saturday and went out to Kenny's new house in Canterbury.. old family friend, and my dad hadn't seen the new place yet.. it's amazing. They have horses, and I spent a good hour out in the pasture with them as they came over to investigate me and see if I had any treats for them, dominant ones first, shoving the others aside to get the first nuzzle in. Lovely. The house is beautiful and very large.. I could see parties being held there in a grand manner. Went home in the early evening and met up with mom.. she wanted to go out to a movie with us, so we went to see Batman Begins on the IMAX screen in Manchester. Yum. Seeing Cillian Murphy again in that makes me almost consider going to see Red Eye, mostly because his performance as Dr. Crane was creepy, but he's so lovely.. *grin* It's the blue eyes, I think.
Dad conked out on the way back from the theatre, so we didn't get to stay up and talk, unfortunately, since that was the reason I'd come down in the first place. Went upstairs with mom instead and listened to music as I plowed through the first chapters in the Castaneda. Woke to an argument in the morning and ended up in the middle of it, as usual. Mom's right.. I'm entirely too sensitive, and it's not fair to me to get caught up in their sniping at each other.. but it kills me now the way it always has.. it's like watching the two sides of myself tear at each other instead of understanding the different sides of the same platform they stand on, and the ways they refuse to listen to each other with compassion. Nothing I can do but be there, really... but it remains frustrating. 30 years of marriage. I'm proud of them for making it this far without killing each other... when they can find middle ground with each other, they're wonderful and romantic and lovely.. like the dancing they did at my cousin's wedding.. only eyes for each other, even after all this time. I know that their relationship has formed a large part of the matrix I view things through, the hope for love and longevity I carry around.
My grandmother's doing as well as can be expected. Not too good, not too bad. Stable, more or less. My mother, on the other hand, has just lost her job after 17 years. Laid off, as the owner's closing the store today. On the one hand, this is a blessing, as she hasn't been happy there for a while, and now she can assist in the running of Gramma's store in Uncasville. On the other hand.. she'd been there for a long time, and there was a sort of mental security in that. She's grieved, relieved and worried all at once.
I know it will all work out, in the meanwhile I'll try to be there as much as possible for her.
Now, I'll get some stuff done here before heading for work. Hang out with people tonight, Twin Peaks on Tuesday night.. hopefully some more sketch work will get done this week.. I want to dust off the drawing skills in preparation for the comic work next weekend.
Later.
-Me.
Taking responsiblity for the fact that I craft reality consciously and unconsciously around myself continuously, I realise that I don't always make it easy for myself. It's a human thing, occasionally clinging to a helplessness we invent for ourselves. It's easier than being proactive. Just as it's easier to believe that something I do does not affect the others around me directly... were I to hold onto the knowledge that we are all interconnected with each other, that what I do and think and say inwardly is manifested outside myself and connects directly to everyone I encounter... how much would that eliminate my ability to be selfish, or mean, or angry? I can enable my own dreams and manifest the reality I know to be true by continuing to strive for compassion and loving-kindness within every breath, every interaction, every glance.
Spent a very pleasant evening in Dummerston last night chilling with Sage and some friends. Watched a new Henry Rollins spoken word DVD I'd rented, and crashed there instead of driving home. Started the audiobook I'd also rented on the way back to the house this morning.. I'd forgotten how nice it is to listen to a book. :)
My weekend was both wonderful and awful, as things tend to be with me of late. Got home late on Friday night to find Dad and Raph playing chess by the fire in the backyard.. took him home, talked with Dad a while and conked out. Got up a bit early on Saturday and went out to Kenny's new house in Canterbury.. old family friend, and my dad hadn't seen the new place yet.. it's amazing. They have horses, and I spent a good hour out in the pasture with them as they came over to investigate me and see if I had any treats for them, dominant ones first, shoving the others aside to get the first nuzzle in. Lovely. The house is beautiful and very large.. I could see parties being held there in a grand manner. Went home in the early evening and met up with mom.. she wanted to go out to a movie with us, so we went to see Batman Begins on the IMAX screen in Manchester. Yum. Seeing Cillian Murphy again in that makes me almost consider going to see Red Eye, mostly because his performance as Dr. Crane was creepy, but he's so lovely.. *grin* It's the blue eyes, I think.
Dad conked out on the way back from the theatre, so we didn't get to stay up and talk, unfortunately, since that was the reason I'd come down in the first place. Went upstairs with mom instead and listened to music as I plowed through the first chapters in the Castaneda. Woke to an argument in the morning and ended up in the middle of it, as usual. Mom's right.. I'm entirely too sensitive, and it's not fair to me to get caught up in their sniping at each other.. but it kills me now the way it always has.. it's like watching the two sides of myself tear at each other instead of understanding the different sides of the same platform they stand on, and the ways they refuse to listen to each other with compassion. Nothing I can do but be there, really... but it remains frustrating. 30 years of marriage. I'm proud of them for making it this far without killing each other... when they can find middle ground with each other, they're wonderful and romantic and lovely.. like the dancing they did at my cousin's wedding.. only eyes for each other, even after all this time. I know that their relationship has formed a large part of the matrix I view things through, the hope for love and longevity I carry around.
My grandmother's doing as well as can be expected. Not too good, not too bad. Stable, more or less. My mother, on the other hand, has just lost her job after 17 years. Laid off, as the owner's closing the store today. On the one hand, this is a blessing, as she hasn't been happy there for a while, and now she can assist in the running of Gramma's store in Uncasville. On the other hand.. she'd been there for a long time, and there was a sort of mental security in that. She's grieved, relieved and worried all at once.
I know it will all work out, in the meanwhile I'll try to be there as much as possible for her.
Now, I'll get some stuff done here before heading for work. Hang out with people tonight, Twin Peaks on Tuesday night.. hopefully some more sketch work will get done this week.. I want to dust off the drawing skills in preparation for the comic work next weekend.
Later.
-Me.
